65 Best Funny Quotes for Friends, Family, Relatives

By tn2zb | December 16, 2019

65 Best Funny Quotes for Friends

Below i have present 65 Best Funny Quotes for Friends for you. You can download these quotes for free. These quotes will help you get out of depression, anxiety and stress. So Enjoy these quotes and share these with your friends, siblings, relatives and others.

Funny Quotes

• Good Morning! Let the stress begin.
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
• No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
• I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
• I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
• Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
• What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.
• Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room
• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
• Your secrets are safe with me… I wasn’t even listening.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
• Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
• If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
• If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
• Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
• My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

• Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
• If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
• There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
• Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
• I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.
• A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.]My girlfriend’s dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I’m going to do with two dead dogs?
• Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
• Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
• Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
  Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.
• Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
• Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
• I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
• You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me… I’ll train you.
• The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
• Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

• A meeting is a deliberation where hours are wasted and minutes are recorded.
• I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
• Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
• There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
• They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
• Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?
• There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
• I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
• The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
• Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together!
• I can resist everything except temptation.
• When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.
• At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

• Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
• If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
• The answer you’re looking for is inside of you, but it’s wrong
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
• I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
• One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
• The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
• The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.
• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.
• Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
• Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.
• An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
• I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
• Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
• The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.